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i am still me

i am still alive lol i just keep forgetting i have an lj
every thing is ok , just getting over a nasty sinus infection . still seeing ed it will be 2 years in October. my art is really taking off and i have actually started to sell my work in a simi regular fashion well the dust collector also known as cat wants out .

orintation fom HELL

krishna & a horrible, very bad, no good rotten day I am so exhausted from this day I do not even want to write about it
day started at 5 am
get their at 7 am
find out I am still listed as an out of state student that’s right Mrs. nickels lied to me back in October. My balance dew now is a measly 10,000 dollars per semester witch is in fact more $$ than I even made last year.

At this pint it is around 12 in the afternoon fortunately I did not need to do the all day orientation since I had already sighed up for classes with my academic adviser
Was told" it dose not matter if you can prove residency in va, you dont have a drivers license and have not made enuff to file taxes in va” so it suxs to be you "we have done all we can do for you ms.
Isley have a nice day"
now lets talk about finantual aid
during vcus xmass brake I received the paper work saying I was going to receive a 5,000 $ loan I was not able to look into this until the 5th being the day VCU reopened
I went there Monday and asked if every thing was in order for me to pick up my loan ( oh by the way the reason I was given this loan was because as an out of state resident I do not qualify for the pail grant , witch no one bothered to tell me ) the lade said all I had to do was go on line and sign a master promissory note
ok I do that I go in today to see how that was coming along
They say you need to go home printout these 3forms then fill out these three forms. Go to the IRS to get a paper saying you have not paid taxes in the past few years.
And get a proof of SSA form from social security and after they get these forms they will look these forms over and I should know if I would still get the loan no sooner then 10 days!
Classes start on MONDAY! I ask why n o one could of contacted me about all this needing to be done, when I could of done all this back in October when I filled for fasfa, she replies we sent you an email about it to your VCU email account
Me ‘do you mean the email account I could not set up till today at orientation”
Her “yes that email account it is your responsibility to look at that every day.

Me “how was I suppose to look at it when I could not access it till today
Her “what you do with your email is not my concern mam.
, as I said it is your responsibility to look at your emails”
So I go to social security, then I go to the IRS, then I go back to the finantual aid department .
its now 3 :40
She says this is the wrong year from social security we need to see 2007 not 2008
I run out the door social security closes at 4 o clock I get there at 3 :55 get the right years from the lady working at the desk .
go home print out the 2 forms no one bothered telling me I needed to fill out , except of coarse in the email supposable sent to me a few weeks ago and at 4 :35 turn in all the information needed

I go to the book store and by my books “since I wont be getting my loan for at lest 10 business days and at that point I will be so far behind I might as well not bother and drop out
On the bright side all 6 of my books so far have come to only 80 $ there may be one more book I do not know the price of because I do not know if I can get into the class yet I have an interview on Tuesday with the professor to see if she will let me in or not.

frustration incorperated

My computer has a virus and I can not get rid of=the G*D D!@#$D  bastered !!!!!!lava soft  EPIC FAIL, Adawar fail , Norton fail , macafy fail fierfox fail


I am supposed to see my friend tomorrow the only friend I really have in Richmond so far. And am excited about that. I have never been good at making friends; I mean people like me al l.  Right but as far as actively perusing a friendship I am passive I let people come to me ad being in a forin city that scares the hell out of me I don’t put myself out there like I should in order to make new friends. and what if what if

  what if 

It will be nice to chill out from all these thoughts inside my head for a bit

But what if

To hold the cards tight my chest or not o hold them that is the question Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them?

To lie the cards down  and fold no more to lay all bare no  that is to open the door to the 
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to,


If I follow my own advice I will remember the grape upon the tong untasted is the sweetest

I am suppose to be doing some art work for them but have no idea what to do iv started 2 art works for them im goanna let them decide witch 1 to complete.


 Sometimes as I go thru the galleries of other artists on here I wonder, am I really an artist or just a talent less fool with dilutions of grandeur? There are so many artists out there whose work looks so much better than mine. There are 18 year olds with more talent for realism 15 year olds with an understanding of depth and shadow that make my art look like a retarded 3 year old did it. There is so   much amazing art out there. I fell mine is completely worthless next to it .the vastness of my lake of skill and talent is beyond staggering, who am I fooling, I suck. A few months ago I took some of my work to a gallery and they told me as much they said I had o talent and not to waste any one else time and they hoped I understood that my art is worthless and I should do something else because I will never be any good .may be they are right you know I practice and practice I don’t see any vast improvement over the years. I still cant get symmetry or for shorting down. At 32 I am only marginally better than I was at 17.



"X-Amount Of Words"

Prevent trigger intent
Now drown
High strung
Say X amount of words

You're solar, bipolar
Panic disorder
Seems harder and harder and harder
Still you try to control it

You mold, you mold
Yeah you shape to mold
Oh you're bold you're bold
But your shape is bold

You're a symptom superficial
To what they call knowing you
Minus the speed,
Could you imagine the phobia?

Your brain is faulty wiring
the reason for tiring
Keep treating the curse,
Imagine the worst
Systematic, sympathetic
Quite pathetic, apologetic, paramedic
Your heart is prosthetic

A plate of quite peculiar
On a dish of my own
A tablespoon of feather
tickle me to the bone
Give me recipes for happy
with the chemicals gone
Drinking freedom from a bottle
to the tune of belong

I'm sick of shaking
never waking
from the hell I achieve
I never knew you till you left me
with the crying disease

Another curing, reassuring
way to buckle the knees
So mistreated, I repeated
Never blessing your sneeze

Now deleted and defeated
I will stand on my own
Yeah your memory that punches me
has broken the bone

Give me recipes for sorry
I'm admitting I'm wrong
Still your memory that punches me
has broken the bone

this coming February Mr. Parsons will have been dead longer than he as alive. From October of 91 till February 8th of 92 I would stand out side at night while he lay in icu . I would close my eyes before I stepped out side and whisper.
Star light star bright first star I see tonight. Wish I may. Wish I might. Please grant my only wish this night
Then I would open my eyes up at the stars and sing this song to the first one i saw . Hoping and pleading with them to let him live .
 I was only 13 at the time he was 19. However I worshiped the ground he walked on
You see the doors were his favorite band and he introduced me to them. honestly I could not even tell you what he looked like . glasses long brown hair denim and a skate bored a blurry out line
a differnt star every night for four months as not enoughf
Eddie died on February 8th 1992 and I stopped believing in wishes coming true when the fall turns to winter  and the first snow falls  my mind wonders to this song



The Doors - Wintertime Love lyrics

Wintertime winds blow cold the season,
Fallin' in love I'm hopin' to be.
Wind is so cold, is that the reason
Keeping you warm, your hands touching me.

Come with me, dance, my dear,
Winter's so cold this year,
You are so warm, my wintertime love to be.

Winter time winds, blue and freezin'
Comin' from Northern storms in the sea,
Love has been lost, is that the reason
Trying so desperately to be free.

Come with me, dance, my dear,
Winter's so cold this year,
And you are so warm, my wintertime love to be

La, la, la, la…

Come with me, dance, my dear,
Winter's so cold this year,
You are so warm, my wintertime love to be.

no one can make you feel worse than your mother !!!!!!!!!!!!!

some times i wish evryone would just leave me alone

soul asylum lyrics to run away train !

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light

So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
Promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep

It seems no one can help me now
I'm in too deep
There's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here no there

somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life's mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

Everything is cut and dry
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it


Bought a ticket for a runaway train

Like a madman laughin' at the rain

Little out of touch, little insane

Just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train never comin' back

Runaway train tearin' up the track

Runaway train burnin' in my veins

Runaway but it always seems the same

Nov. 10th, 2008

I need some personal advice about some thing that's really weighing heavily on my mind
I have a lot of personal issues I know I can compound them by thinking to much I have tried to reach someone but I think they are avoiding me and I am pretty sure I know why
But the thing is that it did not up set me it only made me hope they were able to get closure

duirwaigh gallery

i have allways loved this galery fariy

A Knock at the Door - Film
by *KingBarbarossa on deviantART

black soul chior

kutlo kegbaro i have no pictures of you. Only memories of the most decent human I have ever met. I broke your heart for selfish reasons . You did not diverse that. You were a good person from a life filled with trauma and pain than American could never understand. You went back home to Africa 4 years ago. A place torn by garella warfare, monsters acts of beastly savagery, segregation and governments so evil that they made Hitler look like Mickey mouse.. I wonder every day if you are still alive I pray at night you live in the harmony your father named you for if it makes any difference i still remember you and regret braking your heart. And if there is a God please look after him and keep him safe .he deserves so much more than I could or did give to him Kutlo I am sorry. I have been working on a play list that encompasses all the songs that i fell reflect who i believe myself to be . every song on hear is a peace of my identity . it is not complete yet but its getting there I call it songs of myself yes that is a nod to the transcendentalist poets : http://view.playlist.com/13315211531 1 Afi I am nothing from where I am no one at all 2 Desperado it seems some fine things have been laid upon my table but I only want the ones I cant have I best let somebody love me before its to late 3 Runaway train can you help me remember how to smile how on earth did I get so jaded seems like I should be getting somewhere some how I am nether hear nor there like a mad woman laughing at the rain a little out of touch a little insane its just easer than dealing with my pain 4 waist of paint Thank you, please but your flattery is truly not becoming me. Your eyes are poor. You are blind. You see, no beauty could have come from me. I am a waste of breath, of space, of time 5 behind blue eyes No one knows what its like To be the bad man To be the sad man Behind blue eyes To be hated To be fated To telling only lies But my dreams They arent as empty As my conscience seems to be 6 the smithereens blood and roses I want to love but it comes out wrong I want to live but I don't belong I close my eyes and I see Blood and roses 7 I’m not ok I promise But you really need to listen to me Because I'm telling you the truth I mean this, I'm okay! (Trust Me) I'm not okay I'm not okay Well, I'm not okay I'm not o-fucking-kay 8 MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE Famous Last Words But where's your heart? Is it hard understanding I'm incomplete 9 Coma white A pill to make you numb A pill to make you dumb A pill to make you anybody else But all the drugs in this world Wont save her from herself 10 calypso Suzanne Vega I will stand upon the shore With a clean heart And my song in the wind The sand will sting my feet And the sky will burn It's a lonely time ahead I let him go 11 Don’t let me get me pink Everyday I fight a war against the mirror I can't take the person starin' back at me I'm a hazard to myself 12 The smithereens drown in my own tears all that's left is the pieces of a broken heart maybe i won't be afraid to love somebody new maybe i can open up my heart then i won't drown in my own tears 13 The kiss the cure get it out get it out Get your fucking voice Out of my head I never wanted this I never wanted any of this I wish you were dead 14 Girl Tori Amos Sit in the chair and be good now" And become all that they told you The white coats enter her room She's been everybody else's girl Maybe one day she'll be her own 15 stretched on your grave sinead O connor the priests and the friars approach me in dread because I still love you my love and you're dead I still would be your shelter through rain and through storm and with you in your cold grave I cannot sleep warm 16 Blue October X amount of words solar, bipolar Panic disorder. Seems harder and harder and harder. Still you try to control it. Give me recipes for happy with the chemicals gone. Drinking freedom from a bottle to the tune of belong Give me recipes for sorry I'm admitting I'm wrong Still your memory that punches me has broken the bone 17 Amie pure Prairie league 18 Zero Emptiness is loneliness, and loneliness is cleanliness And cleanliness is godliness, and god is empty just like me Intoxicated with the madness, I'm in love with my sadness 19 Meatloaf 2 out of 3 aint bad Well there's only one man that I will ever love And that was so many year-ears ago And though I know I'll never get him out of my heart he never loved me back, Well I remember how she left me on a stormy night he kissed me and got out of our bedAnd though I pleaded and I begged him not to walk out that door he packed his bags and turned right away- And he kept on tellin' me, And all I can do, is keep on tellin' you I want you , I need you But there ain't no way-ay I'm ever gonna love you Now don't be sad 'Cause two out of three ain't bad 20 Nine inch nails hurt I focus on the pain The only thing that's real The needle tears a hole The old familiar sting Try to kill it all away But I remember everything I will let you down I will make you hurt If I could start again A million miles away I would keep myself I would find a way 21 bleed like me takes dad's scissors to her skin And when she does relief comes setting in While she hides the scars she's making underneath her pretty clothe Just try to comprehend that which you'll never comprehend You should see my scars 22 the Dresden dolls and you might say it's self-indulgent you might say its self-destructive but, you see, it's more productive than if i were to be healthy and you might say its self-inflicted but you see that's contradictive why on earth would anyone practice self destruction? 22 the raven And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor Shall be lifted - nevermore! 23 afi the great disappointment I can remember...dreamt them so vividly Soft creatures draped in white, light kisses gracing me I can remember when I first realized dreams were the only place to see them I never, never wanted this. I always wanted to believe. How could I have become this ? 24 the smashing pumpkins X. Y.Z. She didn't wanna be, she didn't wanna know She couldn't run away cause she was crazy She gave it all away, she saw her baby break And in the air it hung that she was dull razors And into the eyes of the Jackyl I say ka-boom Now we begin descent, to where we've never been There is no going back, this wasn't meant to last this is a hell on earth, we are meant to serve 25 16 horsepower black soul choir Ain't no one ever seen the face of his foe no He ain't made of flesh & bone He's the one who sits up close beside you An when he's there you are alone Every man is evil yes an every man is a liar An unashamed with the wicked tongues sing In the black soul choir Every man is evil yes an every man is a liar An unashamed with the wicked tongues sing In the black soul choir O i will forgive your wrongs Yes i am abel An for my own i feel great shame I would offer up a brick to the back of your head boy If i were cain 26 sober tool Theres a shadow just behind me. shrouding every step I take. Making every promise empty. pointing every finger at me. I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbecile. I will only complicate you. trust in me and fall as well. I will find a center in you. I will chew it up and leave. I will work to elevate you, just enough to bring you down. 27 John Lennon - Working Class hero They hurt you at home and they hit you at school, They hate you if you're clever and they despise a fool, Till you're so fucking crazy you can't follow their rules, When they've tortured and scared you for twenty odd years, Then they expect you to pick a career, by then you can't really function you're so full of fear,

Writer's Block: Secret Ballot

It's hard to ignore the fact that today is Election Day in the U.S. If you went to the polls today, tell us what it was like. Long line? Free stickers? Hanging chads? We want the details.

voted today . to walk there vote and walk back took less than 30 minutes. i thought it interesting that there were layers standing out there looking to make sure we had all proper forms of id and then explaining our rights and asking voters to come to them immediately should we have any problems inside . not to repeat the Florida ballet is the agenda i am assuming .

something vague

i voted today . to walk there vote and walk back took less than 30 minutes. i thought it interesting that there were layers standing out there looking to make sure we had all proper forms of id and then explaining our rights and asking voters to come to them immediately should we have any problems inside . not to repeat the Florida ballet is the agenda i am assuming .
in case you were wondering this is me and my boy friend Elliott on all hallows eve

i can not get this bright eyes song out of my head it just won’t go away It's been stuck there since it came a few nights ago. which is slightly ironic or perhaps more apt would be correct.if you know the song you will understand why i say so
"Now I’m confused.
Is this death really you?
Do these dreams have any meaning?

No. No, I think it is more like a ghost
that has been following us both.
Something vague that we're not seeing,
something more like a feeling."
-bright eyes something vague